This topic has been bubbling for a while and this week, a conversation triggered me to write it down to organize my thoughts. A colleague of mine turned 55 birthday. When I look at her, I see energy, passion for life and work, beautiful (popping red is her signature), and I love her smile. When I asked her about her summer plan, she said she’s doing a surgery to fix her falling eye lids, that Brazil is great for that. She had her nose done and her husband did the eye lid surgery already.
We had a few invites to go to people’s houses, and I hosted twice. My mom didn’t join us, mostly because she thinks she is not at her best to see people. She shared that my cousins, 4 years older than me, started to do jump ropes after dinner, to start exercising (for the first time in life), and ended up in the hospital the first night. I was at first happy to hear that she seems committed to adopt exercise for real this time, although she should learn how to start slow. Then my mom said: she needs to exercise as she needs to lose weight. I almost jumped out from my chair to correct her, as my girls were a the table, that exercise is for health more than for weight loss!!! Exercising without trying to lose weight is a legitimate reason.
She has commented many times about Lizzy, who obviously has genetic to be chubbier than Sofia (who seems to be more like me), that she needs to exercise more. Every time that I hear it, I had to correct to say, yes, she needs to exercise because that makes her healthy and strong.
I know two person that has been doing electric muscle stimulation to gain muscle, to look tone, instead of doing the exercise.
Reflections:
I don’t hold against any of these people, they are people I love and like. Yet, they overemphasize appearance over healthy aging, to me. I respect everyone’s value system as it’s something influenced by their surroundings, yet I feel strong about protecting my girls, the only people that I feel responsible. Also, it’s only now that I realize where my disorder eating habits came from. Oh yes, I had my episode of disorder eating and compulsive exercise in my 20s that combined with intensive studying, resulted in not having period for 1.5 years, and 10 lbs lighter than now. I don’t want my girls to experience that. It took me 2 decades to slowly get to a relatively healthy relationship with food and exercise. Just as Nicole said beautifully: nourish our body and mind with nourishing food and gentle movement.
My conscious and gentle plan to protect my girls, acknowledging that I only play a part of their formation:
- Model healthy relationship with food and exercise. Emphasize real food, make cooking fun, and encourage them to try new things. Encourage them to adopt exercise as part of life, not for athletic pursue, but to feel good everyday. I once said: daily exercise is just something our family does, just like eating, sleeping. Also, I share with them why I love running, to free my mind, to breath fresh air, to witness the wonder of sunrise, to feel STRONG. Take them with me outdoor. The more they experience those positive feelings when exercising, the more they want to do it for life.
- Gently correct comments from others. This is tricky as I am sure they hear those comments in a daily basis. Yet, their value system is still largely influenced by the family at this stage. I hope to create a safe space for them to share their confusion when they encounter so we can talk about it.
I may not succeed but I will try.
Our New Journey 
Body image stuff is so tricky, especially when you are raising girls. Genetics definitely play a huge role. I have seen that with my nieces and nephews and even with my own children. Paul is definitely going to take after Phil and be naturally very very thin. We will see what happens with Taco. I am very careful about how I talk about exercise. I say things like ‘mom gets to go for a run’. I also use that language around work (mommy gets to go to work, mommy loves her job, etc). Language matters!
Body image has been very hard for me for the last several years. Being on steroids for so long was hard and resulted in weight gain and I can’t seem to lose the weight. I know hormonal changes are at play as well. I am working on accepting that I look the way I do right now and keep doing all the right things. I am healthy overall, I just don’t look the way I used to which is very hard for me.
LikeLike
You are such a good mom, Coco, to model healthy behaviours. There is just so much awful messaging aimed at girls and women, and it’s up to us to combat it. I also have struggled with disordered eating and body image, and it’s just terrible. It’s definitely a reframe – to be healthy and strong, to age well and with mobility – rather than to lose weight. You are doing a great job! It’s not easy being a mom, but especially not easy being a mom to girls. xo
LikeLike
I don’t know any woman who hasn’t struggled at least some with body image. Ugh. It’s so, so damaging. I’m so glad there is renewed emphasis on trying to be healthy and happy and not skinny and worn down. It’s such a hard balance and it’s easy for people to tip from one extreme to another. I do think that modelling these behaviours for our kids – especially daughters – is so, so important! So great job doing just that.
LikeLike
It is hard enough to contend with the kids at school and even harder when it is the adults making comments like that! My friend’s 14 year old is very athletic (read: not skinny) and it doesn’t help that her little sister is a twig, and she keeps telling me that she needs to lose weight and it makes me want to cry. She is a defender on the soccer team and she is a very good defender and I keep trying to tell her that (a) she does not need to lose weight (b) she is strong, which is way more important and (c) she is an athlete, and is healthy and look what her body can do! However, she is 14 and this is what they all obsess about. I went through it too, and despite wanting to love all of my body and remember how strong it is, I still have moments where I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin!
LikeLike
Yes it is hard!!! I’m so careful with my daughter- she’s never heard me say anything negative about my body. And I always emphasize that exercise is for health, and mental well being. Same with eating healthy. But the negative influences always creep in. I know my mom constantly talked about how she needed to lose weight, and I think that gave me the idea that that’s how women talk, and see themselves. I’m glad that the current “style” is more muscular, rather than super skinny, but it’s still focused on looks. I’ve had a lot of frustrating conversations with my daughter lately on the subject.
Keep doing everything you’re doing! Your girls are definitely hearing the comments from your mom, but hopefully they’ll think that’s an old-fashioned way of thinking. I do think it’s sad that you mom feels that way- but she can’t help it. I’m sure it came from the way she was raised.
LikeLike