An important lesson that Sofia is learning is to say no, to drop things, to disappoint someone, to safeguard her sanity.
Yesterday I received a message from an old friend colleague from Manila, asking me to review her report and attend the meeting which would be 10pm in Brasilia time. I immediately responded: thanks for reaching out but I stop doing reviews in evenings. Was I concerned about how she’d react? she’s not anyone, she is my friend. Yes, a bit, but I am more concerned about saying yes when my gut feeling is no so I went with my gut and told her the truth. She responded: I admire that you’ve set up clear boundaries and sorry I didn’t the meeting time at your city.
Sofia has been hesitating to stop her piano theory lessons. She’s at a level that is beyond playing music, but to compose music. She doesn’t get it, doesn’t enjoy it, and doesn’t think she will ever compose music. When she shared it with me she didn’t ask permission to stop but rather out of frustration. Then I said I’d ask her piano practice teacher whether it’s needed if she only wants to play. The strict teacher that we have since 2018 said it’s okay to stop. So I told Sofia she can stop. That was a month ago. She said at the time that she can still handle it so she’ll continue until she can’t anymore.
Last night when we had dinner, I asked Sofia if she did her piano theory homework. She didn’t. So I took the opportunity to ask her again whether she wants to stop it. She hesitantely said yes. Then I asked her to tell her teacher directly during class. I thought she’d refuse to do that as she doesn’t like confrontation. But she quietly accepted the responsibility.
Lizzy and I waited until Sofia finished her lesson to ask her how did it go. Clearly she was upset with the experience and of her self to let her teacher go. We didn’t talk much other than I shared my experience on putting boundaries with even good friends.
An hour later, Sofia asked me to tell her teacher that she’s a great teacher and she likes her, so the reason for stopping is not how she teaches. I responded her: saying no is hard but it is honest and necessary.
The whole experience is teaching me a lesson too. I never felt difficulty saying no so I would have thought my girls would be that way too. When I realized that is not the case, I needed to give her the time to prepare to do it, and after she does it reassure her that she did well with care.
Parenting is truly the hardest task as it’s constantly evolving while one knows it’s temporary. Beyond day to day tasks, I need to be observing their subtle growth to be ready to support them when they most need.
