How did the marathon go?

I arrive Jakarta last night, after an overnight stay in Tokyo as my connecting flight in LAX was delayed. Not the worst experience as Japan is just so convenient (more later).

I intentionally postponed race recap as I know my perspective of how did it go would shift from feeling a total defeat to a more balanced view.

I finished the race 4:16:16, second worst race performance after Tokyo 2018 (which happened a month after my dad sudden death).

My race strategy was to start with the 4 hrs pacer group for 13-20 miles and then run my own race, ideally accelerating a bit. Note that during training my marathon pace was 8:45-8:55. So running at 9:09 should feel slow/comfortable.

Well… that was the problem. For 18 miles I ran with the pacer group but I never felt it slow nor comfortable. Even the first 10 miles was not a run to the park as it should have been. Mentally miles 5-10 were challenging because there are so many miles ahead of me and I wasn’t feeling I was holding back. Miles 10-14 felt okay which gave me a bit of confidence, especially knowing my friends were waiting for me at midpoint. I didn’t see them because the crowd was too big, nor did they. Miles 15-18 is where I really struggled mentally. I could feel the toll of the pace on me, yet a lot more to come. I had to stop to refuel water and picking up the pace again was a struggle.

Negative self talk worsened as physical fatigue hit me, and I was not even at the last 10km. That was when I mentally gave up. I slowed down rapidly at mile 19 and completely gave up my goal in the last 10km. I walked at each water station and biofreezer, to give me excuse to rest a bit. I gave myself 30 sec walk after each mile as my motivation to keep jogging. It was bad… embarrassing, lowest point of the race. I wondered if I was built to run marathons. If I made mistake to come here with family and financial cost to perform like that. My lower back, hip, calf, even ankle all hurt. At the time I convinced myself that I was done physically, so no point to keep pushing. Ex post I know that I had reserve, just didn’t see the point to use it as my goal was out of the sight. I was in the either goal A or nothing mentality.

When I crossed the finish line, it was not a sense of relief nor gratitude, like my previous experiences, but shame and disappointment. I was always proud of my mental toughness, it was not true at all.

I saw people older and “supposedly less fit” than me passing, that was a terrible feeling. Even at that moment I knew that that feeling had no ground as everyone is pushing their limit and we don’t know how much this race means to them nor how much effort they put in. But I couldn’t shake out the feeling mile after mile and feeling worse for feeling it.

I felt pain all over my lower back and neck when I finished. I had to walk very slowly to avoid falling to the ground. Again, different post race physical experience than last year.

I met with my friends and I had to sit to chat with them.

Now… into more rational explanation of what happened.

1. I never got over jet lag, which means I didn’t sleep well for a week. Sleep is the most important performance variable for me. I knew it may affect me but not its extend.

Look my oura stats. My sleep scores were in the 50-60s, instead of 80-90 as my usual. My readiness on Sunday was 65!!! I actually didn’t look it before I finished the race just to add more fuel to lack of confidence.

2. The physical fitness affected my perception of pace and effort, which affected my mental strength as I kept doubting myself.

3. Starting with the pacer team meant I went out too fast. The pace team was actually running around 9 min/mile or faster for the first 10km, an issue that my coach warned me. While it was easy to just follow the pacer, I was less tuned in with my body and I didn’t feel I was running the race myself but just chasing people. It was my first time running with a pacer group and likely to be my last.

4. But I still believe that the main reason was I gave up mentally too early.

5. The weather was ideal for marathon but I found it a bit cold. It was 5C when we started and finished as the sun never came out. I was shivering at the starting line and felt cold closer to finish.

Lessons for future races (yes I will continue my pursue):

– Avoid international races with long time to adjust local time zone to preserve sleep and overall fitness. The last two trips to US showed me how taxing to my body was. Both time it messed up my period (sorry for the TMI, for woman, period is a good metric to know overall physical state).

– Work on mental strength along with training. Although my coach said that physical strength helps a lot with mental strength.

– Identify imbalances that caused my calf and lower back pain, never experienced during training and work to correct them.

– Run my own race, not with pacer group.

– Bring family to races. Mentally I was struggling to make sense of this trip because the family missed me immensely. I could feel girls mood when I see them. If I brought them with me, at least we would have a good holiday.

– Temperature drop helps but not always. This time I didn’t feel the exertion difference between running in Chicago vs Jakarta. Again likely influenced by sleep disturbances.

The race organization was top notch. Everything was communicated very well, the expo was a blast, the cheering along the course was constant and loud, although a bit too much for my taste in the last 10km. My mind was already too loud to add more noises. The entire city was full of runners and their families. It’s like a big party for the weekend. Water, aid, fuel stations were plenty. The route was marked in both miles and km. The course is beautiful showcasing best of the city.

Now let’s rewind to the 24 hrs before the race.

My friends from Jakarta arrive Friday evening and we spent 4 hrs together on Saturday. it was so nice to catch up with them, learning about their student life and US experience.

I did 3 days of carb load and topped it off with sweet potato for evening snack on Saturday.

copious oatmeal too. I had to buy a mug and use mate straw as spoon as the hotel didn’t provide cup nor spoon, but yes a microwave.

Sunday I woke up 4am, had my mate, two packets of oatmeal and headed out to the race start with many other runners

Post race meet with my friend on the floor. The pic captured well my tiredness and sadness

I haven’t decided what to do after this. When I’ll start training again for what, but I know I will not give up running nor marathon races. Overall it was a good experience, one that taught me new things about myself and racing preparation.